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When did protecting yourself start to feel like pulling away from others? How can you use boundaries and repair to create real connection, and not distance? How can we stay true to ourselves without burning bridges in our communities?
In this podcast episode, Joe Sanok discusses assertive peacemaking with Kelsey Blahnik, LCSW-S.
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Meet Kelsey Blahnik
Kelsey Blahnik, LCSW-S, is a licensed clinical social worker, trauma and anxiety therapist, author, and creator of The And Way™ therapeutic model. She provides outcome-driven, compassionate therapy online for individuals, couples, and helping professionals, with a particular focus on burnout, OCD, trauma, and relationship challenges. Kelsey integrates evidence-based modalities such as EMDR, IFS, ACT, ERP, and DBT into her work, supporting clients in building emotional resilience, clearer communication, and balanced well-being. She also educates fellow clinicians and audiences on psychological flexibility, assertive compassion, and navigating complexity through her writing and speaking work.
Visit Kelsey’s website and connect on Instagram and LinkedIn.
In This Podcast
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What makes people stop talking to each other
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Techniques for building connection
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Be kind to your neighbor – for community
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What healthy assertiveness looks like
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Kelsey’s advice to private practitioners
What makes people stop talking to each other
I think right now, one of the themes that I see is this celebration of boundaries, which is such a wonderful thing and something I am so glad that we are emphasizing … but sometimes that means people are pulling away and isolating a lot more. (Kelsey Blahnik)
People react differently to the possibility of conflict. While some folks engage and stay present in tough situations, others are more likely to pull away and disengage.
Kelsey brings in boundaries, and how they can be double-edged swords.
Boundaries are a critical part of successful human communication.
They remain crucial for people’s healthy relationships in groups and communities, but, when overly employed or used as a defence mechanism, they can hinder rather than support connection.
Being able to accept the lack of control that we have over the other person [is important], the other person’s beliefs … willingness to engage. I can be as assertive [as I can], I can follow all of the rules to be as clear and kind in my communication as possible, and the other person could still blow me off, or they could still blow up. I don’t have control over that other person. (Kelsey Blahnik)
People need to remember that they cannot change each other. All that we can do is be clear and kind, and allow them to face the consequences of their reaction.
Techniques for building connection
One of the things I really emphasize in this work is [that] self-healing leads to world-healing. (Kelsey Blahnik)
Kelsey wants you to look inward first. Which parts of you want to blow up in an argument? Which parts of you want to shut down and pull away – and in which moments do these responses come up?
When you take the time to get to know yourself, and learn why you react the way you do in certain situations, you dive much deeper into the layers that sit beyond the surface level of social life.
If we don’t have that self-awareness piece first, we’re going to go into [social situations], get activated, and it’s going to be really hard in that moment to do something different. (Kelsey Blahnik)
Secondly, drop the assumptions and adopt curiosity instead. Don’t think you can tell everything about a person from a single action they take, because you yourself are nuanced as well.
Ask open-ended questions that come from a place of compassionate curiosity instead of accusatory assumptions.
Be kind to your neighbor – for community
While people can disagree or take different approaches to solving a problem, maintain your authenticity and integrity, and keep a working relationship with your neighbor.
Community is crucial, especially during turbulent times. Neighbors can help each other and look out for one another – despite sharing some differing beliefs.
Nonetheless, it is up to you how far that reach goes, especially if their beliefs lie in direct contradiction with your values or principles.
However, as far as you can stretch yourself, maintain a relationship that is based on mutual respect and aid with your neighbors.
I think it is critical to our healing as a community. I don’t think it needs to be that we constantly have those conversations with everyone … It is important to build some connection outside of these tough conversations … it’s important [to] sometimes build a rapport before digging into something deep, too. (Kelsey Blahnik)
What healthy assertiveness looks like
People have gotten very good at complaining, but often lack the skill of giving solutions or positive steps to the change that they want to see.
Rather than just saying what doesn’t work, you can learn how to make a positive change that the other person can make to improve the situation.
Therefore, healthy assertiveness looks like not just expressing a complaint, but also giving a request and a concrete way for someone to repair.
Use the phrase: “What would you need to see from me to feel the repair?”
This can be used in any situation, especially with loved ones, family, and friends, to find a way back to each other.
Kelsey’s advice to private practitioners
Your presence is enough. Use boundaries as tools, but also remember to practice using repair as a tool when it comes to healthy communication.
Books mentioned in this episode:
Kelsey Blahnik, LCSW-S – The And Way: Assertive Peacemaking in a Divided World
Sponsors Mentioned in this Episode:
Use the promo code POTP for a free trial. You’ll receive waived credit card fees for your first $2500 in charges. Time to thrive with Thrizer!
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Resources mentioned in this episode:
Visit Kelsey’s website and connect on LinkedIn.
Check out these additional resources:
- Building Great Lakes Online Counseling Week 8 with Joe Sanok: Website, Posting the Job, and Banking | POP 1337
- Practice of the Practice Network
- Group Practice Launch
- Group Practice Boss: www.practiceofthepractice.com/grouppracticeboss $149 a month
- PoP Group Practice Owners Facebook Group
- Free resources to help you start, grow, and scale
- Work with us
- Practice of the Practice Network
Meet Joe Sanok
Joe Sanok helps counselors to create thriving practices that are the envy of other counselors. He has helped counselors to grow their businesses by 50-500% and is proud of all the private practice owners who are growing their income, influence, and impact on the world. Click here to explore consulting with Joe.
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