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Which types of childhood experiences influence what our adult attachment styles are? Is it possible to change and rewire our attachment styles? If so, where do we even start?
In this podcast episode, Joe Sanok discusses attachment styles and rewiring them with Dr. Thais Gibson.
Podcast Sponsor: Alma
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Meet Dr. Thais Gibson
Dr. Thais Gibson is a best-selling author, counselor, speaker, and founder of The Personal Development School, a global platform dedicated to helping individuals heal limiting subconscious patterns and build secure, fulfilling relationships. She holds a Ph.D. and is certified in over a dozen therapeutic modalities, including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, NLP, somatic processing, and trauma work. Dr. Gibson is the creator of Gibson Integrated Attachment Theory™, a modern framework that expands on traditional attachment theory to empower lasting personal transformation. Her research, teaching, and practical tools have reached millions of people worldwide through courses, writing, and her widely-followed social platforms.
Visit The Personal Development School and connect on Instagram and LinkedIn.
In This Podcast
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Dr. Gibson’s attachment style essentials
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The four major attachment styles
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Five ways to rewire your attachment style
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Dr. Thais Gibson’s advice to private practitioners
Dr. Gibson’s attachment style essentials
The entire approach to this, in my opinion, is that knowing your attachment style is as useful as knowing how to rewire it. Like, if we only knowing our attachment styles but we’re not doing the work to change them to become secure … So, we want to help people to be able to change. (Dr. Thais Gibson)
In Dr. Gibson’s opinion, simply knowing your attachment style is not enough, and it is only one part of the puzzle.
The other part, which is equally, if not more important, is learning how to shift your attachment style to be more secure.
Attachment styles are conditioned. They are wired into our brains through social repetition and our continuous choices, which also means that they can be changed and rewired by making different choices and adopting alternative conditioning.
The four major attachment styles
There are four common, most well-known attachment styles:
1 – Secure attachment: Children who grow up in a secure home environment, whose parents were attuned to their emotional and physical needs, have a greater chance of developing into securely attached people.
When children grow up in a secure home, their parents are attuned. They are present. They approach the child when the child is expressing distress or a negative emotion, and they help the child soothe: they mirror the child’s emotions well, and they empathize effectively. These sound like small things, but in the grand scheme of things, these are conditioning the child to [know] … Their worthiness doesn’t feel achievement-dependent, but more, “I’m worthy as I am.” (Dr. Thais Gibson)
2 – Anxious attachment: These people grow up with real or perceived abandonment.
In these environments, when love either is taken away or feels like it is constantly taken away, a child can wire in these fears and triggers around abandonment in their adult lives.
The adaptations that [anxiously attached people] make to these kinds of experiences in childhood can lead to, “Okay, let me become good at people-pleasing. Let me win people over. Let me make sure that I can draw people in … to maintain proximity”, because [anxiously attached people] always want more closeness. (Dr. Thais Gibson)
The painful paradox with anxiously attached people is that they end up abandoning themselves in an attempt to be chosen by others.
3 – Dismissive avoidant attachment: These people grew up with childhood emotional neglect, which could have been overt or covert. The child was conditioned to believe that they had to be flawed or broken to have been denied love and affection.
Therefore, they do the opposite of anxious attachment, and pull back.
They feel ashamed if they try to seek closeness, and become hyper-independent while smothering their needs.
As adults, we see dismissive avoidants ending up being individuals who do the same thing that was done to them. They end up shaming other people’s emotions at times, dismissing or avoiding other people’s emotions … And so they go to great lengths in their adult life to avoid vulnerability. (Dr. Thais Gibson)
4 – Disorganized attachment: People with the disorganized attachment style grew up in an emotionally chaotic environment. Perhaps the child grew up with a parent in active addiction, and they never knew how their parent was going to be emotionally.
Essentially, they learned to become hyper-aware of other people’s emotions in an attempt to keep themselves safe.
Anxious attachment styles cling, dismissive avoidants minimize their attachment needs, and fearful avoidants become extremely hypervigilant to body language and microexpressions, social cues, or any changes or breaks in the pattern. (Dr. Thais Gibson)
Five ways to rewire your attachment style
The blueprint that Dr. Gibson gives on how to rewire your attachment style includes the following five pillars:
1 – Rewiring our core wounds, or triggers.
2 – Learning what our needs are, and doing our best to meet them ourselves first.
3 – Taking those needs and learning how to communicate them with others.
4 – Learning somatic processing work and nervous system regulation.
5 – Learning, maintaining, and lovingly reinforcing boundaries.
Dr. Thais Gibson’s advice to private practitioners
Thank you for the work that you do! It is not easy work, but it is so needed. So, make sure to fill up your own cup before pouring into others. Take good care of yourself.
Sponsors Mentioned in this Episode:
Learn more about how Alma could support you in building a thriving private practice at helloalma.com/joe.
Links mentioned in this Episode:
Visit The Personal Development School and connect on Instagram and LinkedIn.
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- Private Pay in Group Practice with Dr. Rebecca Resnik | POP 1329
- Practice of the Practice Network
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- Group Practice Boss: www.practiceofthepractice.com/grouppracticeboss $149 a month
- PoP Group Practice Owners Facebook Group
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- Practice of the Practice Network
Meet Joe Sanok
Joe Sanok helps counselors to create thriving practices that are the envy of other counselors. He has helped counselors to grow their businesses by 50-500% and is proud of all the private practice owners who are growing their income, influence, and impact on the world. Click here to explore consulting with Joe.
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