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What are we getting wrong in modern parenting? Why could flexibility in parenting be as – if not more – important than consistency? What should you stop doing for your kids now to give them a better life as they grow up?
In this podcast episode, Joe Sanok discusses how most of what you know about parenting is probably wrong with psychologist Dr. Emily Edlynn.
Podcast Sponsor: Valant
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Valant created a free interactive resource specifically for group practice owners like you. It’s called the Breaking Through the Growth Ceiling and in literally five minutes, it pinpoints your biggest bottleneck right now, with a 90-day playbook to fix it.
Meet Dr. Emily Edlynn
Emily Edlynn, PhD, is a clinical psychologist, parent coach, author, and parenting expert based in Chicago. With more than two decades of experience working with children, teens, adults, and families, she specializes in health psychology and parenting stress and anxiety. She is the author of Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children, an award-winning guide to raising independent, confident children.
Emily is also a frequent media expert and writer whose work has appeared in The Washington Post, The New York Times, Parents, Good Housekeeping, NPR, NBC, and other major outlets. She is a co-host of Psychologists Off the Clock and is passionate about translating psychological science into practical, compassionate guidance that helps parents find more balance, confidence, and joy in family life.
Visit Emily’s website and connect on Instagram, LinkedIn, and Psychology Today. Subscribe to her Substack!
In This Podcast
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What modern parenting gets wrong
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Flexibility is essential
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Emily’s guiding best practices on parenting
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What to stop doing for your kids
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Dr. Emily Edlynn’s advice to private practitioners
What modern parenting gets wrong
Dr. Edlynn suggests that modern parenting today has swung away from how the parents of this generation were raised.
However, she argues that one extreme or the other still doesn’t help, and that there needs to be a new, or combined, approach to parenting.
I am out there trying to argue for the moderate-middle. I think a lot of us grew up with more of an authoritarian, traditional parenting model where children are supposed to obey, listen, respect the adults at all times, and just, “Do what I ask.” In this day and age, the positive is that we have such a richer understanding of child development and psychology, and that what helps children be healthy, happy humans, pure obedience is not the path to that. (Dr. Emily Edlynn)
Emily encourages parents in the modern age to find a balance between the more old-school structure as it combines with our current deeper understanding of child psychology.
To not use hardcore authoritarian styles, or more limitless, boundaryless “gentle” parenting styles, but something in between.
Flexibility is essential
I think we can get bogged down in the push for consistency, and consistency is so important for child growth and development … But it’s also impossible as a parent in real life to be 100% consistent, so I always say, “Let’s be consistentish!” Right, like let’s aim for consistency, [because] I actually think the greater value we can bring to parenting is flexibilty. (Dr. Emily Edlynn)
Emily makes a case for flexibility being essential, if not more important to have, than consistency.
Flexibility in parenting can inherently have a component of compassion to it, and empathy, because you aren’t enforcing arbitrary rules just because “you say so.” Having a sense of flexibility shows your child that you consider them.
Emily’s guiding best practices on parenting
1 – If your child feels safe, loved, and accepted for who they are, that is the success point.
2 – New parents can find trusted, older parents in their communities in-person to learn from or share the burdens with.
It’s looking to our mentors that we can find in real life, that we trust and respect, that can help us through the real life of parenting. (Dr. Emily Edlynn)
3 – Don’t rely too much on abstract sources on what to do, such as the internet or social media. Tap into your internal instincts and intuition as well, and nurture the trust and confidence that you have in your parental critical thinking.
What to stop doing for your kids
One of Emily’s main pieces of advice is to stop doing so much for your kids. When you take care of everything, fight all their battles for them, and make it all too easy, they won’t learn.
There is a balance to struggling enough to learn resilience, persistence, and self-belief as well as confidence.
Your kids won’t test their mettle if they aren’t ever given the opportunity to, and to develop their confidence and capability at home where the stakes are lower.
Secondly, don’t fill up your kids’ extracurriculars with too many sports, hobbies, extra classes, and so forth. Kids can burn out too, especially when they are teenagers, if they are expected to have full working days like adults.
No one has enough downtime. This is one of my biggest concerns about our modern life, and when kids have downtime, they restore themselves. They are more stable with their moods, they have more energy, they are not as overwhelmed [because] a lot of defiance and conflict is from kids being completely overwhelmed and exhausted. So, when kids have more downtime, they are more peaceful. They’re calmer. It just feels better, and I think we can all relate to that. (Dr. Emily Edlynn)
Dr. Emily Edlynn’s advice to private practitioners
Parents are really stressed and overwhelmed in the modern age. They need balance, support, and validation.
It can be easy to blame parents for not doing something a certain way, so be mindful of expecting them to be perfect, and rather give them the support they need to be authentic and grounded, which will actually help them take better care of themselves and their kids.
Sponsors Mentioned in this Episode:
Valant created a free interactive resource specifically for group practice owners like you. It’s called the Breaking Through the Growth Ceiling, and in literally five minutes, it pinpoints your biggest bottleneck right now, with a 90-day playbook to fix it.
Register by August 31st to secure your discount for the Illinois Counseling Association Conference!
Books mentioned in this episode:
Dr. Emily Edlynn – Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children
David Epstein – Inside the Box: How Constraints Make Us Better
Resources mentioned in this episode:
Visit Emily’s website and connect on Instagram, LinkedIn, and Psychology Today. Subscribe to her Substack!
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Meet Joe Sanok
Joe Sanok helps counselors to create thriving practices that are the envy of other counselors. He has helped counselors to grow their businesses by 50-500% and is proud of all the private practice owners who are growing their income, influence, and impact on the world. Click here to explore consulting with Joe.
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