Are you raising young kids? Do you want to raise them outside of limiting beliefs around gender conformity? How many of your personal beliefs are influenced by societal messaging and what can you do to release them?
In this podcast episode, Joe Sanok speaks about Take Back Your Brain and How A Sexist Society Gets in Your Head, and How to Get It Out with Kara Loewentheil.
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Meet Kara Loewentheil
Kara Loewentheil is the founder of The School of New Feminist Thought, the host of the internationally top-ranked podcast UnF*ck Your Brain: Feminist Self-Help for Everyone (50 million downloads and counting), and the creator of the Feminist Self-Help Society, a feminist mindset coaching community.
Her first book, the instant national bestseller Take Back Your Brain: How A Sexist Society Gets in Your Head – and How to Get It Out, was released in May 2024 and immediately landed on the New York Times, USA Today, Publisher’s Weekly, C-Suite, Amazon and Barnes & Noble bestseller charts.
A graduate of Yale College and Harvard Law School, Kara did what every Ivy League lawyer should do: Quit a prestigious academic career to become a life coach! Eight years after she stepped down as director of a think tank at Columbia Law School, she has created a multiple-seven-figure business, taught millions of women how to identify the ways that sexist socialization impacts their brains, and helps women all over the world rewire their thought patterns to liberate themselves from the inside out.
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In this Podcast
What parents should know about raising girls
A tip for therapists on this work
Practical tools to challenge mindsets
Kara’s advice to private practitioners
What parents should know about raising girls
For both parents, Kara explains that there are certain things both parents should know, and then there are ways in which the individual moms and dads can show up for their kids uniquely which also matters for their development.
What I really focus on in my work is the way that society has taught women, really all people … Has taught women [how and what] to think about themselves [and] the messages we get from society about who we’re supposed to be and not supposed to be … All these implicit and explicit messages that impact the way that we think. Obviously, your family is one of the biggest sources of those messages. (Kara Loewentheil)
For all parents, both biological and step-family, Kara encourages them to think about where they could be implicitly or explicitly communicating things to their kids about who they should or should not be which is based on their gender.
It’s a big task but I think as a dad especially, the way that you treat your daughters in terms of taking them seriously, what you praise them for, what you try to incentivize or disincentivize, how you handle conflicts in the home … All of those things are really big fault lines in gender socialization to be aware of. (Kara Loewentheil)
A tip for therapists on this work
Give people perspective on socialization and how it can influence clients. People struggle to disentangle themselves from their thoughts.
Once they understand that a lot of their thoughts are simply patterns, they can shift how they think about themselves and life around them, because many of these patterns come from old societal programming.
For instance, I will have women come to me for coaching and say, “I don’t know why I just feel so desperately anxious when people are upset with me. I didn’t grow up in an abusive household” … The answer is … “You’re living in a society where for thousands of years until recently, it was dangerous for women to not keep everyone around them, especially men in authoritative positions, happy.” (Kara Loewentheil)
Practical tools to challenge mindsets
For a more thorough guide, look at Kara’s ebook for therapists with tools and resources to use with your clients in your practice – or yourself – to challenge, release, and upgrade limiting mindsets.
In this episode, Kara explains an exercise that you can do;
Pick an identity category such as race, gender, body size, etc.
Write down all the messages that you think society gives about this category
Then write a list of the thoughts you have about yourself
Then “connect the dots” between any overlapping traits that you believe about yourself and what you perceive society’s opinions are about this category
It is mindblowing how much the thoughts about yourself correspond to the thoughts about the identity categories that you learn from society! I find that that is a really big, “A-ha” moment for a lot of people … Because when you see it in black and white that there’s this match-up across this list, it becomes pretty hard to deny that this might be socialization in your brain and not just a true [personal] accounting. (Kara Loewentheil)
Kara’s advice to private practitioners
No matter who you are, everyone is impacted by the messages that society has sent to them about the kind of person they are based on their categories, which can have huge influential effects on their thoughts.
Bring this awareness into the practice to transform your therapy with your clients.
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Joe Sanok helps counselors to create thriving practices that are the envy of other counselors. He has helped counselors to grow their businesses by 50-500% and is proud of all the private practice owners who are growing their income, influence, and impact on the world. Click here to explore consulting with Joe.
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Podcast Transcription
Joe Sanok 00:00:00 Want to know the secret sauce to skyrocketing your group practice? Whether you’re already a group practice owner or aspire to be one, the Group Practice Boss Conference in beautiful Traverse City, Michigan on May 6th and seventh, 2025 is designed just for you. This isn’t your typical conference. Expect TEDx style talks that are short, focused, and packed with actionable insights. But we believe the real magic happens when you connect with others in the field. So we’ve built in plenty of time for networking and deep conversations. You’ll leave not just with a clear plan for success, but also with new friends and a support system that will help you along the way. Don’t miss out! Reserve your spot today at practice of the practice. Com forward slash conference. Again. That’s practice of the practice. Com forward slash conference. Joe Sanok 00:01:01 This is the. Joe Sanok 00:01:02 Practice of the Practice podcast with Joe Sarna. Session number 1091. I’m Joe and I’m your host. And welcome to the practice of the Practice podcast. Today, October 3rd, I am doing the closing keynote at the Mental Health Marketing Conference down in Franklin, Tennessee, just south of Nashville. Joe Sanok 00:01:28 So if you happen to be at that conference and you’re listening to this podcast, which just seems like you’d probably be participating in the podcast, come find me, let’s hang out. and we’d love to hang out with y’all. I’m going to be talking about Thursday is the new Friday. just talking about the four day workweek. Talking about working smarter. the neuroscience behind slowing down. hopefully having some fun as well. if you’re into conferences, also, we have the group practice boss conference coming up May 6th and seventh, 2025. tickets are going to go on sale to the public November 4th, so make sure you grab your ticket over at practice of the practice. Com forward slash conference. We’re putting it on here in my hometown because it’s just such a beautiful time of year. The Sleeping Bear Sand Dunes National Lakeshore was named one of the most beautiful places in America, because of it being really pretty. So if you haven’t been to Northern Michigan before, come hang out here. I’m so excited about my guest today. Joe Sanok 00:02:26 We probably won’t have a ton of swearing in this episode, but if you are with little ones, just know that, the name of her podcast is a naughty word, but that’s okay. It’s a great podcast. today we have Kara Lowenthal, who is the founder of the School of New Feminist Thought, the host of the internationally top ranked podcast Unstuck Your Brain Feminist Self-Help for everyone, with 50 million downloads and counting, and the creator of the feminist Self-Help society a feminist mindset coaching community. Her first book, the instant national bestseller Take Back Your Brain How a Sexist Society Gets in Your Head and How to Get It Out was released in May of 2024 and immediately landed on New York Times, USA today, Publishers Weekly, C-suite, Amazon, and Barnes and Noble bestseller charts. A graduate of Yale College and Harvard Law School, Cara did what every Ivy League lawyer should do quit a prestigious academic career to become a life coach. Welcome to the practice of the Practice Podcast. Kara Loewentheil 00:03:24 Thanks for having me. I’m thrilled to be here. Joe Sanok 00:03:26 Yeah, well, I’m excited to talk about your new book. I’m excited to talk about unfucking your brain and all these things. and as a dad of two daughters, I’m excited to just learn to hopefully help them enter society differently than maybe women in our generation entered society. So, so excited to have you here on the show. Kara Loewentheil 00:03:48 Yeah, I think parenting is one of the places that you really get to put this work into practice apart from yourself. Joe Sanok 00:03:54 Yeah, yeah. For sure. Why don’t we just start there? what do you think, dads? I’ll start with dads because that’s what I am. What do you think dads should know in regards to raising girls? Kara Loewentheil 00:04:06 Yeah. I mean, I think that there’s things that all parents should know, and then there’s specific ways dads can show up, right? I think. what I really focus on in my work is the way that society has taught women, really all people. But I focus my work on gender socialization to has taught women to think about themselves. Kara Loewentheil 00:04:23 Right. What are the messages we get from society about who we’re supposed to be, who are not supposed to be, who’s valuable in our society, and for what, right? All of these implicit and explicit messages we get that really impact the way we think. So obviously, your family is one of the biggest source of those messages, is not the only one, but it’s a big one. And so I think that when we’re parenting and I say this as a step parent, we always are wanting to be watching for where are there places that I am sort of implicitly or explicitly communicating something to my children about who they are, who they should be that is based on their gender. And it can be so subtle. You know, I’m as someone who does this for a living. I, of course, would never explicitly say to my stepdaughter, like, don’t wear a short skirt because men can’t control themselves, right? I would never say something that’s sexist explicitly, but I still have to watch myself just when I’m thinking about, say, moderating a fight between her and her brother, who’s younger, to be careful not to, you know, teach her implicitly that she’s responsible for managing someone else’s emotions, especially if it’s a boy who’s getting upset, like, how will that land with her later in life? So I think it’s it’s a big task. Kara Loewentheil 00:05:39 But I think as a dad, especially the way that you treat your daughters in terms of, you know, taking them seriously, what you praise them for, what you try to incentivize or disincentivize, how you kind of handle conflicts in the home Or how you talk about responsibility for other people’s emotions. Like all of those things are really big, fault lines in gender socialization to be aware of. Joe Sanok 00:06:07 Yeah. Now, what are the main messages that you’re seeing in regards to gender socialization for girls? Kara Loewentheil 00:06:14 Yeah, I think that the core kind of like wound of socialization for women is that girls are taught that they don’t really have inherent value, that their value is based on what other people think of them and what they do for other people. And again, like this day and age, most of us would never say something like that explicitly, but it’s so baked into the role, the way that we sort of see a woman’s role in our society. And even though we’ve made a lot of progress, for instance, you know, we most people outside of very conservative communities are not teaching their daughters that they shouldn’t have jobs and they should only get married and, you know, not have financial independence and etc., etc. but we still talk very differently about an unmarried older woman versus an unmarried older man. Kara Loewentheil 00:06:59 Right. So I think today’s girls are getting a better set of messages, but they can still be pretty mixed. You know, maybe the message is that career is important and you can have ambition and you can be who whatever you want. And they’re still getting a message that, you know, being a partner, being a mother is, like, critical to a woman’s fulfillment in a way that we don’t talk about that being the case for men. Joe Sanok 00:07:22 Yeah. So many things. I feel like the whole episode episode could just be on the parenting side of this. There’s so much ground to cover. And that’s why I’m glad that you have a book that goes into a lot more, now from a therapist perspective. So we have primarily therapists that listen to the show. I know you have a lot of therapists that are in your coaching programs and learn from you already. what are things in therapy sessions that like, if you were in charge of, say, American Counseling Association or APA or something like that, and you were like saying, okay, here’s some new whether they’re ethical guidelines or best practices or things that therapists can do to impact this issue. Joe Sanok 00:07:59 Like, what would you love for all the therapists to start doing or not doing? Or like, let’s just start with a very simple question there for you, right? Kara Loewentheil 00:08:07 That’s reform therapy overnight. I think that, the thing that is the most valuable for patients and this is what, you know, the feedback I get from the therapist who have studied with me is the explanatory power of socialization is really, really helpful for clients, for patients, patients, clients, whatever you’re going to call them, you’re going to like on a number of levels. the first one is that a lot of people, of course, as therapists, you know, like just think their thoughts are true and that’s why they’re having them. And so a lot of therapy and of coaching is like helping people develop some distance from their own cognition. Right. And like not to decide with it. And one of the things I have found in doing that work is that having an alternative explanation for why someone thinks something is pretty helpful in that endeavor, and socialization is why, especially women, everyone, but especially women, have a lot of the thought patterns they do, and it’s why a lot of the thought patterns seem so resistant to change. Kara Loewentheil 00:09:07 So, for instance, I will have women come to me for coaching who are saying, like, you know, I don’t know why. I just feel I’m like so desperately anxious about people being upset with me. Like I didn’t grow up in an emotionally abusive household. My parents weren’t, you know, my parents weren’t volatile. Like, why is this so intense? The answer is, well, okay. It’s awesome. You had a, you know, a safe and stable nuclear family experience, but you’re living in a society where for thousands of years, until very recently, it was physically dangerous for women to not keep everyone around them, especially men in authority positions, happy because you can have a job and you can have a bank account, and your safety depended on your community, like following your community’s norms and not stepping out of line. And that has not left us. So I find that it’s really helpful for therapists to have that, context, the kind of social, historical, anthropological context to be able to explain to their their patients, their clients like what is going on and why it feels so intense. Kara Loewentheil 00:10:06 And I think it helps to surface thoughts that people aren’t even aware they have because they just seem so true, right? They just seem like such bedrock assumptions. Joe Sanok 00:10:17 you know, I just saw this TikTok recently. I don’t remember who put it out. but it was along the lines of this where it said something like, your grandparents didn’t make it to their 50th anniversary because they had deeper love, and society was so much better. It was because. And then they listed, like, women couldn’t have a credit card without their husband till this date. And women couldn’t own property until this. Yeah. Like all these things. It’s like, what were they going to do? You know? And so, you know, it’s like I knew those things. And I also knew, you know, that grandparents lives weren’t perfect, but also just mixing those together and just being like, yeah, like women had to stick around in their marriages, really to survive until just very recently. And if if that’s even true now you know. Joe Sanok 00:10:59 And so I think just like understanding that and having those conversations with my daughters and, you know, my partner Claire, she doesn’t have kids, she’s decided that wasn’t something she wanted. She has rescued a dog, and she’s kind of a bonus adult in my daughter’s lives. And it’s. And we have some other friends that they’re a couple that chose not to have kids and to have these people where they’re not just falling, following kind of the default relationship ladder where, you know, you date for this long, then you get engaged and then you get married and then you have kids and there’s it’s great if people do that. But it’s also if that’s not your bend, like, we probably don’t need more parents that don’t want to have kids that have kids. So even just starting to think through those options differently and talk about that as a family, I mean, it’s uncharted territory. It’s like, you know, Claire and I don’t know if we’re doing it right. We’re trying our best and loving the kids and trying to, like, make sure that we just articulate that, that love and that those options to them now as therapists. Joe Sanok 00:11:59 when you think about therapists incorporating that into the actual sessions, like, how do you see people doing that? How do you see these therapists, changing the way that they maybe approach therapy after they’ve been working with you? Kara Loewentheil 00:12:12 Yeah. I mean, I think that one of the things I see is people just being very much more explicit about it. So, you know, we had, we had, for instance, somebody say right into us about their experience with this that she wished the main thing and we have permission to share this, that this therapist said, I wish, I think the main thing that I wish I knew sooner and that my colleagues would understand is that people who are socialized as women are actually starving for this type of understanding because it explains so much of their experience. And and we had somebody else say that, like the way that her therapy changed when she started talking about this was that she previously hadn’t explicitly identified the ways that society shapes women in feminist terms. And in fact, she had like she had some of that awareness but had shied away from sharing it because, you know, she didn’t want to be too political or alienate a client or you shouldn’t. Kara Loewentheil 00:13:02 Right. And she didn’t. She sort of didn’t want to bring that in. But she’s found that the opposite is true, that the women she works with feel, she said, more seen and less to blame when I situate our work in this context. So I think it can look like actually just naming these things, literally just talking about that social context and that it’s not about it’s not about bringing in feminism in terms of like bringing in your personal political opinion in a way that, like your client has to agree with. But it is about really naming like, yes, it makes sense that it, you know, it feels so painful for you for this and this to happen because the way you’re thinking isn’t an accident. You actually taught to think this. So I see people being more explicit about that context. I think it is also helpful for therapists to have this context and be doing this work for themselves, because, you know, we’re all products of the same society. Right. And one of my big complaints about the coaching industry and the coaching field before I, when I came into it, was that so much of what was being offered was just helping women better conform to damaging social standards like here’s how to lose weight, here’s how to get married, here’s how to do this. Kara Loewentheil 00:14:17 And none of that is really liberation work. And so, you know, there are, you know, therapists, like all humans, are going to be on a spectrum of their awareness or the amount of work they’ve done on themselves in terms of their internalized socialization and their own internalized biases. Right. We can have internalized biases towards others, other groups, and also towards our self groups like, you know, people like us. So I think it’s both it’s like being more explicit about it with your clients situating their experience in a different way that helps them feel, gives them words for an experience that they did, almost didn’t even know they were having, and doing your own work on it. So that, like your idea of what is like healthy or normative for what you’re trying to help your patient get to. Is has been interrogated with these same concepts. Joe Sanok 00:15:06 So can I you know in most kind of personal work there’s sort of like a typical trajectory. or we might call like growth points and then like a plateau. Joe Sanok 00:15:16 And when you think about people relearning whether it’s, it’s women relearning how they were taught, men relearning like, what are some of those kind of typical growth points that you see in plateaus, like, what’s the cycle of change maybe would be a better way of asking it? Kara Loewentheil 00:15:33 I think one big plateau that comes up for women especially, is so many women are so intensely self-critical that a lot of the first phase of work is just like not being quite so cruel to themselves all the time, not constantly evaluating and judging themselves, like reaching a level of sort of a little bit more of like self neutrality. And then I think you can plateau there without even knowing your plateaued. I mean, that happened to me for sure. And I had a huge breakthrough in my own work, working with my teacher, where we had this conversation where she kept saying like, well, what do you think about yourself? And I kept saying like, yeah, I think I’m like, fine. And she was like, okay, just fine. Kara Loewentheil 00:16:15 And I was like, you don’t understand. This is a huge improvement. I used to think I was horrible, right? But there’s this next level. So there’s it’s almost like you alleviate some of the suffering and then you can kind of get plateaued there because there’s this additional level, level of socialization for women that’s not only be mean to yourself and stay small, but like you’re not even really taught to think about or shown what’s possible for you, and you are discouraged from ever thinking well of yourself lest you become arrogant and selfish. Which, you know for women is the worst possible thing they could be in our society. And so there can be this plateau where you don’t even realize that it’s possible to actually have a like, radically positive, enthusiastic self-image about yourself. It’s possible to not just stop beating yourself up, but actually use your brain to come up with possibilities for yourself in your life that you never even imagined before, or never let yourself imagine or never thought were possible, or for you. Joe Sanok 00:17:13 Yeah, I love that. that seems like that would be a tough change to, to enact in, in one’s life. Kara Loewentheil 00:17:22 Yeah. I mean I think, I think that it’s, is it tough. I mean I think all lots of changes can be tough, but I, I actually think it’s just they’re different like the first part is more of a grind. But you do get a lot of relief. And I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with like sometimes you want to hang out at a plateau. I mean, at least the kind of people, the women who come to me, they’re like very high achieving, very Type-A. So then they want to like ace self coaching and therapy. You know, like they’re going to be the best at it and they’re going to get the A, they’re going to do it all perfectly. They’re going to do it all right. And certainly like self-improvement can just become another perfectionist pursuit, which is not helpful and is like contrary to the practice of liberation, I think. Kara Loewentheil 00:18:08 so I also think it’s fine to hang out at a plateau for a while, but I do. I have to say that like, maybe it’s partly where I’m in my journey. I have the most fun working with people who are ready for that second journey of like, wait, what, like kind of bananas thing am I capable of that I never even thought to think about. Joe Sanok 00:18:36 Do you often find yourself overwhelmed by the influx of client calls you receive? Receptionists are expensive, but you can’t afford to let your patients go to voicemail. You care for your clients, so you try to phone them back. But more often than not, it’s too late. They’ve gone to another practice When you partner with well-received, you capture every opportunity. Your calls are answered by professional medical receptionists 24 over seven, and they can support you with more than just message checking. They offer new patient intake, after hours service, bilingual services, medical appointments, scheduling, medical live chat, and so much more. All this at a fraction of the cost of an in-house receptionist. Joe Sanok 00:19:19 Your patients are well received priority as a practice of the practice listener. You can get an exclusive 50% off your first two months of service. Head on over to well received.com/joe to start growing your practice today. What? What are some kind of practical tools exercises ways to challenge mindset that that our listeners could either enact with themselves or with some of their clients? Kara Loewentheil 00:19:47 Yeah, I should say I have a whole opt in, a whole kind of free pamphlet. I don’t know what you call a free little e-book. for there for therapists that you can get it. feminist therapy.com that talks about the three ways to use this in your therapy practice. but one of the examples I’ll give is one exercise I really like to do that I find really like, blows people’s minds when they see how much overlap there is, is to have pick an identity category that the person has, whether that’s race, gender, body size, religion, like whatever it is, and have them write down all the messages that they think society gives about that identity. Kara Loewentheil 00:20:26 It’s like, what did you learn? Women should be or were not or shouldn’t be, or what was valuable about those that are growing up or, you know, I’m somebody who lives in a fat body. Like, what did I hear about fat people from society growing up? So they do that whole list. Then I have them make a list of their thoughts about themselves, and then I have them connect the dots, like literally draw connections between the two lists. It is mind blowing. How much of your thoughts about yourself correspond to the thoughts about the identity categories that you learned from society. And I find that that is a really big moment for a lot of people, because it’s kind of hard to, you know, your brain, of course, wants to tell you why all your thoughts about yourself are true. And here’s all the evidence your brain has collected over the years that these really are personal truths about you. But when you see in black and white that there’s this match up across these lists, it becomes pretty hard to deny that this might be socialization in your brain and not just a true accounting. Joe Sanok 00:21:26 Yeah. I think that, it’s interesting when you start to overlap different kind of ways that we view ourselves in that way. I remember there was an exercise that I did with kids in foster care, when I was doing a therapy program with them where we would do we called it a life map. and we started with any of their kind of earlier memories, and there was like a plus ten to a minus ten. and they would just walk through just what had happened. and, you know, it was a safe space. They had already built some trust at this point. And to just walk through, you know, they’re a 12 year old boy, and we’re about to go on this sailboat and learn to sail. But, you know, kind of having some therapy before we go on the boat. and just that being able to talk with other people about kind of the ups and downs of their own life and, and just kind of stepping outside of their own life. And when they were kind of reporting it out, you could tell it was like a depersonalization, similar to when you have sort of eMDR where you can almost look at the situation as a narrator rather than as someone that’s in the thick of it. Joe Sanok 00:22:30 when you have therapists or participants have kind of moments. are there kind of typical moments that people start to say to themselves, oh, that’s what was going on? Or is it pretty nuanced to each person kind of going through the program? Kara Loewentheil 00:22:46 I want to say sort of both. And while I love an moment, I also am very, focused with people about the difference between like insight and application. Yes, I love that that, you know, like especially kind of self development analytical junkies like I used to be. It’s like we live for an insight moment. We get a lot of dopamine from solving that problem, and then we just keep doing whatever we were doing. Like it’s not it’s. Joe Sanok 00:23:13 Like signing up for the gym on like January 2nd, right? And then you’re like, I signed up. And then it’s like, well, but great, you know? Kara Loewentheil 00:23:20 And my people are like way beyond that. They sign up, they make a color coded calendar of all the classes they’re going to go to, right? They do. Kara Loewentheil 00:23:28 I have a whole podcast episode called Perfectionist Fantasies and Tomorrow thinking that’s all about like understanding the kind of, that cycle in your brain the way that like having a whole plan or having an insider, like doing this theoretical work gives you this, like dopamine release. It gives you this release from your self-criticism because you’re sure that now you’re this new person. And then, of course, you don’t follow through. Joe Sanok 00:23:49 Yeah. Joe Sanok 00:23:50 So there’s like a shame cycle that starts. Kara Loewentheil 00:23:52 Yeah, totally. And the planning is a relief from the shame cycle. That’s why it’s so addictive. Like coming up with the color coded plan gives you three hours during which you’re not beating yourself up because you’re doing this plan for the new perfect future. You who will, you know, be a totally different person tomorrow. anyway, so moments of insight, I think they are a lot of seeing. Oh my. I mean, maybe this is reductive because I think a lot of, you know, moments in any psychological practice are like this, but oh I’m not bad crazy broken. Kara Loewentheil 00:24:28 Right. Like there’s a reason that I think this it’s not because there’s something wrong with my brain. seeing. Oh, the reason I’ve been so fixated on this thing is that I was subconsciously attaching it to my self-worth, and I didn’t see that. And so now now I see, like, oh, that’s why I am so upset about this or so fixated on this or whatever, because there was this, there was this implicit, you know, connection to that self-worth, self value. another big one is, I teach this concept called over responsibility, which is a sort of what I think is the through line of socialization of women is that women are taught to take too much responsibility for everything outside of themselves, and not enough responsibility for themselves, paradoxically. And so there’s often a big of, oh, I was feeling so like disempowered or helpless or out of control or ruminating or whatever, because I was taking over responsibility. I was like trying to be responsible for something I can’t control. And that is often a big like moment. Kara Loewentheil 00:25:36 But like we were just talking about, I’m always following up an moment with like, that’s great. And I know that feels good. And like I’m pretty cognitive focused. So like and what thought are we going to be practicing now to like build bit by bit to that I teach a tool called the Thought Ladder. that is all of that is basically designed to help you build new thought patterns a little bit by a little bit at, you know, at a pace where you can actually believe the thought that you’re practicing. So insight is nice, but. Joe Sanok 00:26:05 Is the thought ladder something that we could dig into in the next few minutes? Yeah, a pretty long teaching. Okay. Yeah I want to hear more about that. Kara Loewentheil 00:26:11 Yeah. So, what I found when I kind of came to this work was that, there’s a lot of talk about, like, my especially in the sort of self-development world, a lot of talk about, like, mindset shifts and positive thinking, but nobody was actually teaching you how to do that. Kara Loewentheil 00:26:27 And a lot of it people were giving up and it didn’t work because my belief is they were trying to believe something they didn’t actually believe. And so they were not getting any emotional payoff, which I define as an actual change in the sensation state in your body. So, for instance, if you you know, I talk about this in the book that I had a coach who gave me this exercise to like, light candles and sit naked and look at myself in the mirror and tell myself I was a beautiful goddess And my thought about myself was that my body was disgusting. So thinking I’m a beautiful goddess was like thinking the lizard people founded Egypt and built the pyramids. Like it didn’t mean, you know, it was just words like, I can say any set of words in my brain. I can say anything. It’s just a sentence I can read in my thoughts. But there was zero emotional payoff. And then, as it turns out, once I started doing the research to back up my intuition, there’s actually evidence showing that trying to think something to positive you don’t believe can make you feel worse, because it emphasizes the gap between where you are and where you want to be. Kara Loewentheil 00:27:25 And so I developed the thought ladder as a tool where, sure, let’s come. You can come up with the beautiful thought that would look great on a Pinterest background, or like an Instagram image, like I’m a beautiful goddess that can go at the top. But then we’re going to put your actual real thought at the bottom of the ladder, and then we’re going to brainstorm what are some thoughts that could move us bit by bit. And so there’s various techniques I teach, for how to do that like depersonalization is one, like adding qualifiers to the kind of front or back, like even just using something like I notice I’m believing or I’m open to believing. so kind of a bunch of different techniques you can use, but it helps you come up with different thoughts, and then you have to use the somatic check of does the negative feeling in my body like lighten it all. So sometimes I say, well, what we’re looking for is the 10% less. I guess this is a curse, the 10% less shitty thought. Kara Loewentheil 00:28:22 because part of the problem is that, you know, especially as Americans, we want instant magical results. So we want to come up with a new thought and then feel amazing, and then we’re done. Like, no, we’re going to come up with a new thought that feels 10% less bad than you currently feel, and then you’re going to have to practice that for like weeks, and then we’re going to do the next one. But we know that humans overestimate how much they can do in a short period of time, and underestimate how much they can do in a long period of time. So if you are willing to commit to a slightly longer process, you’ll actually shock yourself with how much you can change your brain. Joe Sanok 00:28:56 I love it, Cara. The last question I always ask is if every private practitioner in the world were listening right now, what would you want them to know? Kara Loewentheil 00:29:03 I would want them to know that regardless of who you treat, everyone is impacted by the messages that society has given them about the kind of person they are, the different identities they have, who they’re supposed to be and who they’re not supposed to be. Kara Loewentheil 00:29:17 And that is a huge, huge, formative, enormous influence on their thoughts. I believe it is equal and importance to their, you know, family of origin, early childhood experiences, all that stuff. And so bringing that into your practice will just, you know, transform and compound your practice. One of the therapist who has learned from me about this, wrote me an email saying that, after I started implementing this perspective, a client said to me, where did you learn how to be a therapist? Because I’ve been in and out of therapy and I’ve never done it like this. So like, there’s so much additional power you can add to your practice just by educating yourself on socialization and bringing it into your sessions. Joe Sanok 00:30:00 So awesome. Well, while we were talking, I sent your podcast to a bunch of my friends. And so you’re going to get some new listeners, tell people where they can listen to your podcast, where they can get your new book and yeah. Kara Loewentheil 00:30:12 Yeah. So if you go to feminist therapy.com, you can actually get a free guide I created called Closing the Brain Gap in Women’s Therapy three Ways to Deepen rapport, get better results, and blow your clients minds. Kara Loewentheil 00:30:23 So that is like a whole little guide that I’ve written for you. It’s free. It’s feminist therapy.com. You can also find my book, Take Back Your Brain anywhere you buy your books and my podcast and Fuck Your Brain is available anywhere you get. Joe Sanok 00:30:36 Your podcasts are so awesome! Well, thank you so much for being on the practice of the Practice podcast. Kara Loewentheil 00:30:42 Thanks for having me. Joe Sanok 00:30:52 Well, thanks for hanging out with us today. I love what Kara said about, you know, just taking in information and that dopamine hit. I’m sure listening to this podcast is a dopamine hit, but we don’t want to just educate our brains. We want to actually implement things. We are past the information age. We are at the implementation age. So go do something with this information. Go get that opt in. start working with your clients differently. we’re here to support you, to have that thriving practice you absolutely love. we just had Level Up week, so those recordings are probably soon going to be available to those that attended. Joe Sanok 00:31:29 and then don’t forget, next May we have the group practice boss conference, which is right around the corner. those tickets are going to be going on sale early November over at practice, the practice.com/conference. So many fun things going on in the practice of the practice world. Also, we couldn’t do the show without our sponsors. Well received is our sponsor today and honestly, it’s what I wish I had when I had my counseling practice. They help you capture every opportunity. Your calls are answered by a professional receptionist 24 over seven. They can support you with so much more than just taking messages. They do new patient intake. They do after hours services. They have bilingual services. They have appointment scheduling, live chat and so much more at the fraction of a cost of an in-house receptionist. Also, you’re going to get 50% off your first three months. Head on over to well received that com forward slash joke again. That’s well received that combo. Thank you so much for letting me into your ears and into your brain. Joe Sanok 00:32:25 Have a great day. I’ll talk to you soon. Special thanks to the band silence Sexy for that intro music. And this podcast is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter cover. It is given with the understanding that neither the host, the producers, the publishers or guests are rendering legal, accounting, clinical or other professional information. If you want a professional, you should find one.
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