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What if the idea of “perfect love” is the very thing keeping us dissatisfied? How might our relationships change if we embraced love as imperfect and evolving? In which ways can we show real love to ourselves and our loved ones?
In this podcast episode, Joe Sanok discusses the book The Joy of Imperfect Love with author Dr. Carla Marie Manly.
Podcast Sponsor: Alma
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Meet Dr. Carla Marie Manly
Dr. Carla Marie Manly is a clinical psychologist, author, and speaker known for her work on fear, relationships, and emotional well-being. She specializes in helping individuals and couples cultivate self-awareness, resilience, and healthier patterns of connection. Drawing on both psychological research and mythological frameworks, her work emphasizes the value of embracing imperfection as a path to growth.
Dr. Manly is the author of several books, including The Joy of Imperfect Love, Date Smart, and Joy from Fear, where she explores how limiting beliefs—often shaped by cultural narratives—can be transformed into opportunities for deeper fulfillment. In her clinical practice and writing, she focuses on guiding people toward more authentic, secure, and evolving relationships, both with themselves and others.
Visit Dr. Manly’s website and connect on Instagram and LinkedIn. Listen to her podcast.
In This Podcast
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Why what we’re taught about love is usually wrong
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What imperfect love looks like
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How to live out love
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Dr. Manly’s advice to private practitioners
Why what we’re taught about love is usually wrong
What I found in my doctoral program was that myth guides us so much in life. Stories, conscious or unconscious, guide us so much in life, and I came to see that I had really learned from childhood … that there is this perfect fairytale relationship … And we learn this through myths, and fairytales. (Dr. Carla Marie Manly)
Modern fairytales were often taken from their original Brothers Grimm form, sanitised and romanticised, and changed so much that they barely resembled the early story.
These modernized, romantic stories, which are a large cornerstone of our Western cultural history, have created certain ideas in our minds about important topics, such as love, life, and living well.
Both men and women were taught to believe that there is this perfect, happily-ever-after relationship, when in reality, there isn’t one.
Unfortunately, there isn’t [a happily ever after!] But, the fortunate part is when we go back to the old myths, to the true version, it wasn’t about man meeting woman and happily ever after … It was about the female half of the psyche meeting the male half of the psyche, doing that work to grow and flourish – imperfectly – and then living joyfully ever after, constantly evolving. (Dr. Carla Marie Manly)
Therefore, within that paradigm, Dr. Manly’s work is to help people, no matter their gender or age, see that much of their pain and striving stems from the effort to achieve perfection, when that is not necessarily the case.
If you believe in the divine or whatever you believe in, that is beyond us. We are destined to be imperfect creatures with imperfect lives and imperfect love, and it’s what we do with that imperfection … Do we evolve, strengthen, and grow into fuller, more whole selves, and fuller, more whole relationships? Or do we constantly pick at ourselves and pick at other people? (Dr. Carla Marie Manly)
What imperfect love looks like
As Dr. Manly explains, to be practically in the pursuit of an evolving love as imperfect beings, it is so important to follow the felt sense in the body, which can guide us to noticing what really matters.
If something is truly important to you and feels like it’s sitting on your heart or chest, or knotted in your belly, then it will be important to discuss it with your partner; otherwise, it may remain there and develop into resentment.
When we do that work to see, and really go into that felt sense [and as], “How important is this? Is this a control issue where I’m battling for control, or is this something where maybe my partner triggered something old in me, an old, unhealed wound? (Dr. Carla Marie Manly)
How to live out love
Sit with yourself and write down:
- Your values
- Your priorities
Write them, regardless of how many or few there are, and see if those values and priorities are really the ones that are important to you at a core level.
If you are focusing on external qualities only in a potential or current partner, you may miss those that may exist at a core level.
It is so limiting when we focus purely on those external factors, so I really encourage people to look at what they have to offer in a relationship, and if they are willing to offer what they want to get out of a relationship. (Dr. Carla Marie Manly)
Now, here comes another important part: are you prepared, willing, and able to give your partner these same qualities that you desire from them, too?
Dr. Manly, in discussing how to live from love, shares important habits that you need to practice in your relationship to cultivate a genuine connection:
- Letting go of comparison
- Not expecting a romantic relationship to be as simple as a friendship
- Always pairing any rupture with loving repair
- Seeing relationship repair and maintenance as a privilege and an honor
When we see it as work rather than a right, responsibility, and a privilege, then, you know, it feels different, but to me, I love maintaining my relationship just like I love cleaning my house! … It is surely not a perfect relationship, but I love tending to it. (Dr. Carla Marie Manly)
Dr. Manly’s advice to private practitioners
Your well-being is primary.
Clear your energy and fill your own cup first before working each day with others. At the end of the day, clean and clear your energy again before you close up the office and return to your home life.
Sponsors Mentioned in this Episode:
Learn more about how Alma could support you in building a thriving private practice at helloalma.com/joe.
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Books mentioned in this episode:
Dr. Carla Marie Manly – The Joy of Imperfect Love: The Art of Creating Healthy, Securely Attached Relationships
Dr. Carla Marie Manly – Date Smart: Transform Your Relationships and Love Fearlessly
Dr. Carla Marie Manly – Joy from Fear: Create the Life of Your Dreams by Making Fear Your Friend
Resources mentioned in this episode:
Visit Dr. Manly’s website and connect on Instagram and LinkedIn. Listen to her podcast.
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Meet Joe Sanok
Joe Sanok helps counselors to create thriving practices that are the envy of other counselors. He has helped counselors to grow their businesses by 50-500% and is proud of all the private practice owners who are growing their income, influence, and impact on the world. Click here to explore consulting with Joe.
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