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Are you a couple’s therapist? Can you find deeper intimacy by moving beyond the traditional roles within the patriarchy? Can therapy be effective even when the therapist breaks the standard rules?
In this podcast episode, Joe Sanok speaks about relational life therapy as a new approach to working with couples with Terry Real.
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Meet Terry Real
Terry Real is a nationally recognized family therapist, author, and teacher. Terry has appeared often as the relationship expert for Good Morning America and ABC News. His work has been featured in numerous academic articles as well as media venues such as Oprah, 20/20, The Today Show, CNN, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Psychology Today, and many others.
In 1997 he published the national bestseller: I Don’t Want To Talk About It, the first book ever written on the topic of male depression. That was followed by two more successful books on relationships offering practical guides for couples and couples therapists; and most recently his New York Times Bestseller Us: Getting Past You & Me to Build a More Loving Relationship.
Visit Terry Real’s website, The Relational Life Institute, and connect on Instagram and LinkedIn.
In This Podcast
- Relational life therapy
- The three aspects of RLT
- The essence of Us
- Terry’s advice to private practitioners
Relational life therapy
It’s a radial way of working with couples [in] therapy, [and] any kind of therapy in which … we’re not neutral, we take sides, “You’re wrong, Mrs. Jones, and you’re even more wrong Mr. Jones, and here’s why”.
Terry Real
In Terry’s school of relational life therapy, the therapists take a radical stance with their clients with an incredible success rate.
The therapists take a stance, they include themselves and draw information from their personal experiences with their clients, and they expect their clients to want to get better, or at least give a genuine shot at therapy.
The three aspects of RLT
Relational life therapy (RLT) is known for producing deep, dramatic change quickly.
Terry Real
The three phases of RLT:
- Loving confrontation and finding your relational stance.
For example, an angry complaint will never foster a closer relationship with your partner because it is a dysfunctional stance.
We call this the adaptive child part of you … the part of you that adapted growing up to whatever you were subjected to, and we put that on the table.
Terry Real
- Trauma work and inner child work.
What were you adapting to? With RLT, each individual in the couple undergoes deep trauma and inner child work with their partner present in the room.
I think it’s much preferable to do deep trauma work in the context of the relationship than off in your own corner somewhere.
Terry Real
- Teaching each partner how to stand up for themselves – and each other – with love.
The essence of Us
Terry’s latest book Us is about the different parts of people as they relate to their partner, from the wounded child to the adaptive child to the wise adult.
The autonomic nervous system, far beyond the level of consciousness, assesses whether it is safe or not over and over again.
If the body feels safe, people remain in the mature part of their brain, the wise adult. If the body feels unsafe, the wise adult shuts down, the nervous system is activated, and the adaptive child comes out.
We devolve when we feel like we’re in danger, or out of “us” into “you versus me”. Win, lose, it’s about my survival, me, me, me … we move into the adaptive child part of us, and we do the same things that we did when we were kids growing up.
Terry Real
The general adaptive child responses, with an activated nervous system, are fight, flight, flee, and fix – also known as “fawn” or codependency.
What is your kneejerk adaptive child response? Once you know that, you can notice it, take a breath, bring your awareness to your immediate response, choose something different, and thereby start to break the pattern.
The relational answer to the question, “Who’s right and who’s wrong?” is “Who cares?” What matters is how are the two of us as a team going to get through this issue.
Terry Real
Terry’s advice to private practitioners
Train with Terry and learn about RLT!
Books mentioned in this episode:
Sponsors mentioned in this episode:
- Heard always has transparent pricing with no hidden fees. Sign up for a free, 15-min consult call today at joinheard.com/partners/joe
- Start a 14-day free trial of The Receptionist for iPad by going to the receptionist.com/practice, and when you do, you’ll also get your first month free when you sign up.
Useful links mentioned in this episode:
- Visit Terry Real’s website, The Relational Life Institute, and connect on Instagram and LinkedIn.
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Meet Joe Sanok
Joe Sanok helps counselors to create thriving practices that are the envy of other counselors. He has helped counselors to grow their businesses by 50-500% and is proud of all the private practice owners that are growing their income, influence, and impact on the world. Click here to explore consulting with Joe.
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